Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
