We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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