I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Drake has all the answers
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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