One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
where are my eyebrows?
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