he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
