I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
