hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I will be naked everywhere
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think my moral compass just broke
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