I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
