i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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