the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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