That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
