If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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