just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
