Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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