Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I will be naked everywhere
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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