News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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