well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
