I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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