He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
