he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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