Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
