Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
