I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
