dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
