I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
