That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
