she looked like the before picture.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
