I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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