I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I want her autograph on my taint
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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