Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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