dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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