so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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