i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize