he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
