worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and she was petting her beer can
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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