nut hugger
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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