OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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