I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Who died my cat blue again?
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