I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
