We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am mentally ready for anal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
