just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
All I want is dick and wine.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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