she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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