Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
