Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
