Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
