I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize