I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
