I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The ass gains better be worth it
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