You're my little dorito
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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