why didn't you poke me back
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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