I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
