I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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