I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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