I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
