3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize