I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
